I have been careful to avoid disclosing most of the more colorful details of my personal life here on my blog. Much of it is far to intimate and painful, and I've never been a fan of publicly airing dirty laundry. That said, I acknowledge that I've shared bits and pieces of my journey and each time it has prompted an amazing number of comments and personal e-mails from friends and strangers thanking me for sharing. I guess it just goes to show we are all connected by a common thread.
In light of this, I am now ready to share a private, but very important story. I have a feeling this will strike a chord with more than a few of you, and if it does, the risk will be worthwhile. Let me add that this is MY story. It isn't about my ex. It isn't about what anyone did to me. It isn't about blame. It is the story of one of the many things I have learned about myself over this past, long year. It is a long one, though, so pull up a cuppa and a comfortable chair...
Many of my friends are aware that exactly two years ago, after a weekend family trip to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving, I was hospitalized for a very unexpected and potentially life threatening perforated bowel. My symptoms came out of nowhere, beginning the moment I walked into our units (we are owners) at the MGM Signature. My husband had stayed in our units several times before, but it was my first real stay in the units since we closed escrow. The symptoms were not acute, but were very bizarre. I felt an intense, achy pressure on my collarbones which abated when we left the units and got worse when I laid down in our bed at night. They persisted over the course of the long weekend, disappearing when I left the rooms, then coming back right away when I re-entered them. By our Sunday afternoon drive, however, the discomfort had become constant and I was very uncomfortable.
Monday morning I awoke to the same pain and decided to see my physician. You can read all the details beginning here, but basically I ended up in the hospital for 10 days and was lucky enough to escape with far less horrible outcome than the doctors expected, for which I was and am very grateful. The part of the story I want to tell now is the DREAM.
While in the hospital in a constant morphine haze, I had one recurring dream: It was of a vividly colorful mandala emblazoned on my body as a protective shield. The dreams were powerful and I during my recovery I sketched the mandala but never executed the tattoo out of respect for my husband who was not fond of them. In the months following the surgery I fell into a very dark pit of anxiety and depression, and slowly, my dreams were forgotten.
Fast forward to January of this year. My life exploded, my marriage crumbled, and for many months I barely knew how to walk, or breathe or function. I barely ate, my physical body deteriorated and I barely slept, but when I DID sleep, my mandala dream came back in full force. This time I could not ignore it. My husband had been using our units for purposes completely out of alignment with our commitment, and when I walked into that energy, it manifested in severe physical symptoms. The clarity came rushing at me with unbelievable force...
I found my original sketches and improved them and spent hours upon hours perfecting the intentions I wanted the mandala to contain.
These are my intentions:
• I am so happy and grateful to be connected to all of life in perfect harmony and balance.On March 11, 2009, I was blessed to bring the mandala to life as a permanent marker, talisman, healing and protective shield on my body. It is gorgeous; very discreetly placed so only a few of my closest friends and family know about it. It is a sacred mark and it contains these amazingly powerful affirmations which I radiate moment by moment, day by day.
Here is the story about my marking, as I wrote about it on 3/12/09 in my private journal:
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I awoke with an excited tingle Wednesday morning...anticipating making my intentions visible in this sacred marking, made even more beautiful by a smooth morning drive along my beloved Pacific Coast to my final destination.
Greeted not by pot-infused air and skulls and crossbones, but rather, by gentle bamboo, the scents of Nag Champa and rhythmic native music, I knew I was in the RIGHT place. Gathered and escorted by the gentle-man Zulu, I felt a peace I have not felt in what seems like forever, but in reality was merely months. We again reviewed my design inspirations (he had been reviewing them for weeks before), but more importantly, he INVESTED in my process by reading and BEING in the sacred place of my intentions which I've so carefully created.
The atmosphere was relaxing, filled with light and love, and reverberated with the mesmerizing sounds of tribal/native musics which seemed to lull me to my very core. Zulu meditated, prayed and chanted with me. He became one with my process; the energy in that room could have lit an entire city!
For just about five hours, we journeyed...Pain? Not much. Discomfort, slight, but small in comparison to the emotional and spiritual anguish which has recently filled my life. I was so WELCOMING of this sacred marking that to be completely honest, I went to a peaceful, meditative state. It was GOOD. It was PERFECT, and in Zulu's capable, sensitive hands, I was in good care! Even my brother came for a bit and blessed me by holding my intentions and marking this special day! The end result was even more beautiful, magical and COMPLETE than I had imagined! I am so totally blissed out...and SO GRATEFUL!
This sacred marking (which IS as brilliantly colorful as it looks, and IS about 5" across) holds such a remarkable set of intentions. It is a testament to who I am and who I am destined to be. Blessings to everyone who was "present" with me for its creation. You are also a part of what it means.
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Here is the wild part. Last week in school, while studying personality theories and counseling models, I was reading about Jungian Archetypes and the collective unconscious when I came upon this:
A mandala is an archetype of order, usually symbolized by a circle or a square or often a square within a circle. Many religions include mandalas as symbols facilitating spiritual development (Coward, 1989). Examples are found in Tibetan Buddhism, the World Wheel of Hinduism, the Rose Window of Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, and many other places
A Mandala [is] a Symbol of Psychic Wholeness In Eastern religious tradition. [For] Carl Jung, this image affirmed the value of unconscious processes. He was influenced by Buddhist ideas.
Dreams of mandalas often occur when people are experiencing great conflict. Such dreams can be interpreted to mean that the unconscious has developed more of a solution to the conflict than the person yet consciously recognizes. Thus the symbol anticipates the development of a more well-rounded, balanced Self. Because the mandala represents emerging psychic wholeness, the goal of the development of the Self, we can also speak of the archetype of the Self or the archetype of wholeness.WOW! My eyeballs just about fell out of my head when I read this, and I had to re-read it several times before it entirely sunk in. This IS about me. This IS about my mandala. This IS about my experience!! It is just so fascinating that the one thing I have always felt deeply confident about, even in the midst of my most horrific turmoil, is that I am led and protected. In these times of turmoil I have always felt like I am accelerating on a spiritual fast track, and that if I could persevere and keep an open heart, a greater meaning would be revealed. I am pleased to report that it HAS!
Thanksgiving weekend was filled with anticipated arrivals, a few surprises and some sad blessings. While I was sad to be away from my girls for the first time since their birth, my weekend was with filled with the love and companionship of some amazing people.
We cooked. Slept in. Took naps. Spent hours and hours catching up over countless pots of coffee. Played the music too loud. Watched about a billion episodes of Chelsea Lately and Talk Soup. Ate too much good food. Drank a few too many yummy cocktails.
Laughed till our sides hurt. Went to a great hockey game. Enjoyed some time with new friends. Sat on the patio soaking up the beautiful, sunny days. Snuggled on the couch listening to the rain come down in the evening. Teased, joked and cajoled. Had some deep talks and intense debates. Solved many of the world's problems, only to forget the solutions over "just one more" glass of sangria.
Sadly, though, the long weekend was filled with some sadness, too. My beloved grandfather, Papa Bob, passed away on Friday morning, moments before I awoke. He held on just long enough so we wouldn't have to mourn his passing every year on Thanksgiving, and just long enough to have lived an incredibly rich life with no regrets. He will be missed so much, but I am grateful that his suffering has ended and he has begin a new journey.
I'm a little melancholy today, missing a a few special people in my life, but am still overwhelmingly grateful. I am blessed.
What to do with day old Brioche? Make French Toast, of course! Not that anyone really needs a recipe for French Toast, but here is mine.
Beat eggs, vanilla, sugar, milk and cinnamon in a wide, shallow dish or bowl. Heat a griddle (I use a counter-top electric griddle so I can better control the temperature) to about 300-325. Melt a glob of butter and smooth it over the entire griddle. One by one, soak bread slices in egg mixture, turning to coat each side. Put each newly dunked slice onto the buttered griddle and toast until golden brown, then flip, repeat. If you run out of egg mixture, just crack in another egg and a drizzle of milk...you'll be golden!
My family likes them served with butter and confectioners sugar on top, but real maple syrup is also yummy. Today we also topped them off with a heap of fresh berries...YUM!
* you can use ANY bread you wish...we've been known to use nasty white sandwich bread and it is pretty good, in a pinch!
(from Dave Matthews' "You and Me")
...pack your bags, something small
Take what you need and we'll disappear
Without a trace we'll be gone
Moon and the stars will follow the car
And then when we get to the ocean
Gonna take a boat to the end of the world
All the way to the end of the world
Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly...
...you and I are not tied to the ground
Not falling but rising like rolling around
Eyes closed above the rooftops
With eyes closed we're gonna spin through the stars
Our arms wide as the sky we're gonna ride the blue
All the way to the end of the world
When the kids are old enough we're gonna teach them to fly
Doesn't THAT sound delightful? What would it look like to take a year off, a year out. Take the kids...have a HUGE life and learning adventure. See the world, experience life in a way you cannot get in a classroom or a textbook? Tahiti? San Juan? The French countryside? Barcelona? Costa Rica? Could I actually do that?!? Wow...what an amazing possibility to ponder! Now don't get all flipped on me, people. Remember, lately, lots of daydreaming. Future-tripping. Star-Gazing.
Tell me...where do your daydreams take you?
"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." ~Washington Irving
I posted this over on the photoblog, but had to do it here, too. This is my friend Jill:
Jill is on a journey. Jill is blazing new trails like me, like so many of us. It is not so much an uncharted trail as it is the path back to her authentic self. She is a gorgeous woman...inside and out...and her journey is going to be stellar! I am honored to call her my friend and to bear witness to the magic she is on the verge of creating in not only her life, but in the lives of the multitudes! Seriously, people, this woman has a story to tell... stay tuned!
I was lucky enough to be invited along on a wonderful adventure last week - a cruise to Alaska via Seattle! It was an amazing trip, perfectly planned to occur immediately preceding the major shit-storm my life was to become this week. We explored Pike's Place, braved the icy winds to witness frozen fjords and retreating glaciers, went crabbing just outside of Ketchikan, watched bald eagles feed, zip-lined through the Alaskan rain forest, pedi-cabbed around Victoria BC, and fell in love with Andrew Wyeth at the Seattle Museum of Art. In between all those grand adventures we laughed till our sides hurt, ate till our seams exploded and played quite a few hands of wicked blackjack!
Understandably, the landscapes and scenery in and around the waterways we traversed were among the biggest highlights for me. The quality of light was nothing short of mesmerizing and I took hundreds of photos of reflections, clouds, water, ripples and LIGHT. Every time I turned around I'd gasp "WOW!" The color of the light changed moment to moment, from one side of the ship to the other. Gray, rainy skies created ethereal cloud-islands. Brilliant, opaque white skies produced crystalline turquoise glaciers and their offspring-icebergs. Gold-blue skies summoned glimmering warmth and reflectivity. To some they may seem repetitious, but I find the images captivating.
Some of these were taken with my big camera, some with the purse-cam and some (gasp!) taken with the CrackBerry. Enjoy!! (As always, click on the photos and larger versions will appear in a pop-up window.)
In my last post, I made reference to my MONDO BEYONDO list which I've been working on for years, but then quickly realized I hadn't updated it here on the bloggedy-blog in a hella long time, so here are some more on my list:
6. Travel the world, not just in 5-star hotels (which I DO love!) but in the villages!
7. Learn how to water ski
8. ...scuba dive
9 ...salsa dance
10. ...and surf without always falling off
11. Attend culinary school just for the hell of it
12. Live in Europe for at least a year speaking only the native language of my host country
13. Meet the Dalai Lama, Maya Angelou and Annie Liebovitz
14. Write a book
15. Teach at a University
16. Work in a winery
17. Tend an organic vegetable garden
18. Develop the PERFECT margarita recipe
19. Field and skate on a roller derby team
20. Learn to weld and make massive art out of scrap metal
21. Live on some sort of a sailing vessel for at least a month, destination loosely (if at all) charted
22. Go an an Abercrombie & Kent style African (photo) Safari
22. See both poles of the earth
23. Live a life of service
....and the list keeps growing!
